we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
