I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
