you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
