After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
