That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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