Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
