you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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