thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
