My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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