I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
