he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
