new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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