I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
