guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
