I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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