She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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