It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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