He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
