i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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