I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
