he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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