He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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