He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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