She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
