so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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