I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
