i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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