Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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