Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
