i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
