when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
