oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
