awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
