the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
