She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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