i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
