Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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