$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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