Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
