Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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