i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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