I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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