Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
