my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
