Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
