I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
false alarm. still invincible.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
