he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
