tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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