i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
