I am in a vortex of obligation.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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