i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
